Danger Ahead! Too Much Sand, Not Enough Rock

prayer, worship, bible studyDo you ever find it difficult to sit still, put your body at rest and lift your heart and mind up to God in earnest prayer?  I know I do!  It seems our natural inclination these days is to go, go, go and to fill our days with activities and tasks that need to be completed.  We have digital calendars and address books, Facebook reminders, friend requests, email that needs to be read and a million other things that vie for our attention.

Our jobs, our families, our hobbies and even our churches; these are good things and gifts from the Lord.  We have a responsibility to love and care for those around us, especially those who are brothers and sisters in Christ.  This is absolutely a God-given duty, and not to be taken lightly.

But what about God?  Where does He fit?  He who is high and lifted up, the creator and the one who sustains it all.  He has such great love for us that He gave His only son to go and die a cruel and horrible death on a Roman cross just so we could be redeemed and have the opportunity for salvation and eternal life.  If He is our savior then He must be first.  And for Him to be first we must abide with Him through prayer and through time spent in Bible study and meditation on Him and His word.

This is a lesson that I am still learning but when I am successful in putting it into practice I am always blessed and always amazed at what the Lord can do in my life.  One of the most wonderful truths of God’s love for us is that He desires to work in us, through us and along side of us, if we will allow it.  The all powerful God who needs nothing chooses imperfect vessels such as you and I to carry out His work and to show His love.  If we allow that to happen then there is such great joy and great blessing that is poured out on us and through us!

But before we can be used, we must be connected.  And to be connected we have to train ourselves to slow down and to listen.  We must listen for His still small voice as we lift our hearts and minds in prayer and we must learn to be still and to know that He is God.  We need His Word, the Bible, foremost in our thoughts and His truths written on our hearts so that we might not sin against Him and so that we might be well equipped to serve as His hands and His feet.

This is a process.  It does not happen overnight.  It requires care and attention, focus and effort.  But the rewards are eternal and marvelous, both for us and for those touched by God working through us.

Whatever else might be happening in your life right now, however big or small it might seem, it doesn’t matter as much as the call to pray, to worship and to be still before God.  Be right with Him and He will take care of all else.

24 “Therefore everyone who hears these words of Mine and acts on them,  may be compared to a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25 And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and yet it did not fall, for it had been founded on the rock. 26 Everyone who hears these words of Mine and does not act on them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. 27 The rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and it fell—and great was its fall.” Matthew 7:24-27 (NASB)

Embracing Weakness

2 Corinthians 12:9, grace, weaknessIs it ok to be weak?  And if so, is it ok if we are perceived as weak by those watching us?  It is something that has been on my mind lately and while I don’t have all of the answers I do believe that God’s Word has some things to say about the idea of weakness.

Before we look to God’s Word I think it is important that we define weakness.  For the purposes of this blog post weakness will be defined as “unable to accomplish something or not having the necessary resources to do something in our own strength or under or own power”.  Think of an old-fashioned steam locomotive travelling up a long incline and not having enough fuel (coal, wood or oil, generally)  to reach the top.  The train slows and then is at risk of stopping and going backwards unless more fuel is found to power up the steam engine.

With that definition in mind, let’s ask our original question again:  Is it ok to be weak and is it ok if we are perceived as weak by those who are watching us?  The answer is absolutely yes, on both accounts!

Why is this?  Because despite what the world and society tells us, self-sufficiency is a lie.  In the temporal realm even the strongest of us is vulnerable to disease, to injury, to mental and physical deterioration and eventually, to death.  Spiritually speaking, without divine intervention, we are in even worse shape.  Because of Sin we are all born spiritually dead and without the washing and regeneration provided by the Holy Spirit at the time of salvation we are all bound for eternal separation from God in a place called Hell.  In other words, to rely completely on self in this life is to face death alone while headed straight for Hell.  I don’t know about you, but I can’t think of anything worse than that!

Perhaps we need to rephrase our original question at this point.  Based on this discussion it would seem that in actuality, everyone is weak but some do not choose to acknowledge it and in fact do everything in their power to hide it.  Maybe what we should be asking is, “Is it ok for me to acknowledge my weakness and to not try to hide it or pretend like it doesn’t exist?”  The answer is still “yes” but by rephrasing the question like this I believe we get a little bit closer to God’s truth about our self-sufficiency or lack thereof.

In the spiritual realm, unless we come to the place where we acknowledge our weakness and inability to save ourselves then we will never turn to God and ask Him for His salvation.  Once we’ve done that we can also begin to take God’s point of view about our physical bodies and mental capacity and see that no matter how physically fit or intelligent we might be, we are a long, long way from being perfect and from being like God intended us to be.

The Apostle Paul, looking as it his own condition stated: “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)    Paul, who was responsible for writing most of what we call the New Testament and was a missionary to so many people in the early church was still able to realistically see himself for what he was; a sinner, saved by grace.  When he prayed to God about it the Lord answered Him and he recorded that answer in 2 Corinthians 2:9.  For Paul, his weakness was an opportunity for the power of Christ to show through him and so it is with us today.

 

I believe that anyone who spends any amount of time with us or who knows us on more than just a passing basis should see that we attribute our hope and strength to the Lord.  The people around us should know that our provision comes from God and that only by His grace are we able to stand.  Our own strength should not be what shows forth when people look on us from the outside and our attitude should be “less about me and more about Jesus”.

This is a difficult concept.  Making our lives about something other than ourselves is not in our nature.  Even when we get to the place where we acknowledge that we need a savior and begin to understand how utterly non self-sufficient we actually are it can be a long time before we begin to show forth Jesus to others.  If this is where you are right now then I would say to you don’t give up and don’t stop striving.  Spiritual maturity takes time and effort but comes with the absolute best reward possible; constant fellowship with the Heavenly Father who loves us so very much.

As for me, I’m still learning to embrace my weakness.  The various problems and trials that I face seem to be mystifying at times but they do keep me on my knees asking the Lord for deliverance and for strength. And if that’s what it takes for the power of Christ to rest upon me then so be it, let them come.

Vision and Perspective for the Year Ahead

vision, perspective, Romans 5:20Believe it or not, we have almost completed one full month in the new year.  One twelfth of the allotted time for this calendar year is nearly gone even though it feels like we just finished putting away the Christmas decorations.  The hours and days continue to move forward at what seems to be a faster and faster rate and I have to wonder what the rest of the year will bring.

Am I ready for what God has in store for me?  Do I have the vision to stay the course that God has laid out for me and the perspective to know where I fit in to His grand design?

Vision and perspective.  I’ve been thinking a lot about those two words lately and how they relate to this new year.  Taken individually, vision (or a vision) can be thought of as direction, inspiration and a goal or goals.  Setting goals according to worldly desires and ideas can lead to short term gain but is not of eternal significance.  Letting God give us a vision and inspiration for our future path and then setting goals based on that is always going to lead to eternal and everlasting reward.

We can and should pray for a God-given vision and inspiration for the future.  This is the starting point for an amazing journey of faith and whatever that vision from God happens to be it will be personally significant and tailored for each of us individually.

What about perspective?  How does it relate?

Proper perspective helps to keep us humble and to honor God with everything that we have.  We may have a grand vision that God has given us but if we allow our perspective to change (and because of our human nature our perspective will change for the worse unless we work to maintain it through the power of the Holy Spirit) then we will not be able to move forward towards our goals in a way that would please God and bless others.

This is especially dangerous for anyone in a ministry position and is the cause of so many troubles in our churches today.  We’ve been called to teach, to pray, to serve, to preach, to lead and we may start out with the best intentions but because we aren’t taking our daily walk with God seriously and aren’t guarding our hearts and lives from the evil one our perspective shifts away from God and towards something else.  And once that happens, sin inevitably follows and there are always consequences for sin.

The truly great news is this: where sin abounds, grace abounds more!  God’s grace is always greater than any sin that we can commit and His forgiveness and mercy are ready for every person who repents and turns away from their sin and towards Him.

Right now, while we still have time and most of the year in front of us let us recommit to following God’s vision and keeping our perspective aligned with His.  More lives than ours depend on what we decide to do today.

God’s Provision for a New Year

provision, Philippians 4, faithLast year is over.  A new year has begun.  While making New Year’s Resolutions might be the popular thing to do, as God’s people we are assured that we don’t have to wait until a new year in order to turn over a new leaf.  God says “Today is the day of salvation” (2 Corinthians 6:2) and God’s help and provision are always present tense and available right now to all who would receive.

Maybe last year wasn’t a good year for us.  Maybe there were circumstances that brought pain and sorrow or perhaps we found ourselves in a place of regret over mistakes that were made.  Maybe we began this new year with a hope for something better but without a concrete plan for positive change.

I’m here to tell you, God has what you need.  In his letter to the church at Philipi, Paul offered encouragement and Godly wisdom which is still applicable to us today and can completely transform our lives if we will put it in to practice.

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice!  Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:4-7 (NASB)

Thankfulness in all things and in all circumstances is the first step.  No matter what’s happening and no matter how we feel at the moment, we can express our thanks to God.  Not that all things are good or desirable, but that God Himself is always worthy of our thanks and that His salvation and Spirit sustains us even in the midst of the darkest days.  And with that thankful heart we are then in a perfect position to offer up our prayers and requests to God who is able to provide for all of our needs.

And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:19 (NASB)

Once we have decided to be thankful (and it is a conscious decision that we must make) and offered up our earnest prayers to God, then God Himself will provide an incredible peace which is able to do a miraculous thing for us.  God’s peace will “guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus”!  This is a wonderful promise because a heart and mind that is guarded by God’s peace is one that is not easily moved or swayed by the evil of this world and can begin to be a light for others.  In other words, this is the foundation for a vital and growing faith that we must exercise and put to daily use.

Ultimately it is God who controls our circumstances and much of what happens around us is outside of our ability to change.  What is possible and expected of us is to become all that God would have us to be by putting His word into practice.  We must trust God with our lives and with our needs and most importantly, with our hearts and minds.  There is no blessing that God will withhold from the one who is completely surrendered to Him and there is no power in this world that can overcome those that are committed to doing His will.

An Opportunity For Mercy

mercy, grace. ChristmasMy family deals with a local business for goods and services a couple of times a year.  We’ve enjoyed a mutually beneficial arrangement for many years now and we’ve gotten to the point where we are on a first name basis with most of the staff.  This business relationship has gotten more personal as we’ve gotten to know each other and my trust in them has grown as they have proven themselves over the years.

But now, for the first time, we’ve run into a problem.  The single largest order that I have ever made with them for a part seems to be stuck in limbo.  Because they are a successful business they are in the middle of an expansion project and it seems like during their office move some records got misplaced and no one is quite sure if my part has arrived or where it might be.

If this was just a simple order and pay for it later type of thing then it wouldn’t be a big deal.  But because of the special nature of the part and the customization it required we were required to pay up front at the time the order was placed.  We were told it would take around two weeks.  It has now been more than a month due to the complications with the move.

I spoke with someone in the office recently and it seemed like the move and expansion was still under way.  And because it is now the end of the year and the Holidays are upon us, it may be sometime after the first of the year before they are able to deliver the part.  What should have taken two weeks will probably end up taking over two months.

I’ve been tempted to complain to the owner and make a bit of a fuss.  As a consumer it would be within my rights to do so.  But as soon as I had the urge a thought popped in to my head.  The thought was “well, here’s an opportunity for mercy”.  I can assure you this thought did not originate in my flesh.  My flesh knows only selfishness and the concepts of grace and mercy can only come from the Father through the Spirit.

Despite the fact that I could claim my right to ask for my money back or take my business elsewhere or even complain in any number of different ways the Holy Spirit has prompted me not to do so and to be patient.  And in doing so, I am reminded of what God did for me and for all mankind.  I am reminded that we celebrate Christmas because God had an opportunity for mercy and sent Jesus Christ to die for our sins and be the savior of the world.  I am reminded that God is patient with us despite our failings and our weakness.

In the end, as a child of God, I choose to forfeit my rights in favor of the better, more perfect will of Him who died for me.  But even as I make that decision I know that there will be more opportunities for mercy in the days ahead and not just for me but for all of God’s children.  My prayer is that we set our flesh aside and choose the path of grace and mercy because in doing so we show forth the attributes of our Savior.

 

The Imposition of Real Worship

worship, adore, praiseImposition is not a word with an especially nice meaning.  To impose one’s self upon another is by definition to force an unwelcome or unfair demand upon that person.  In most all cases, when someone tells us that something was an “imposition” they are telling us that they were put out and would have preferred something else to have happened.

And yet, real worship IS an imposition on our human nature, is it not?  If we remain in the flesh and have our selfish desires foremost in our minds then the thought and act of real worship is never welcome or easily accomplished.  Our bodies, which are passing away, and our minds, which  must be renewed daily, will fight the bowing of our knees and the turning of our hearts towards God Almighty and His perfect will.  Simply put, to experience real worship we must approach God with humility and allow the Holy Spirit to impose His will upon ours.

When we first start our Christian walk, it can feel unfair and unnatural to empty ourselves of our own wills and seek to adore and commune with God through the Spirit.  Our old human nature wants nothing to do with this sort of thing and it is only as we gradually persist in this practice that the Holy Spirit can, little by little, imprint the act of worship upon us so that it becomes as natural as breathing.  And like any healthy habit, if we persist  we will reap continual rewards but if we slack off or stop for a period of time then it can become difficult to get started again.  The more we put into it by seeking God and praising Him for who He is and all that He has done, the better our worship will become for ourselves and those around us.

The upside of real worship and the rewards and benefits that it brings are a topic that could span several full size books.  Suffice it to say, all of the fruits of the Spirit will be born out of real worship and God’s presence will be felt strongly.  Additionally, those closest to us will be blessed and encouraged in their faith.  Finally, and most importantly, God’s Kingdom will grow as we make ourselves useful and grateful vessels for His service.

Real worship of God, in Spirit and truth, is a completely foreign concept to those who are walking in darkness and who have never trusted Jesus as Savior.  But for those of us who have the Holy Spirit living inside, real worship of God is a necessity for our spiritual growth and always worth the time and effort.  God can use us in incredible ways when we live a life of praise and adoration that is yielded to Him.

Preference or Unity?

unity, worship, church bodyThe unity of the body of Christ and the way we come together to worship has been central in my thoughts this week.  We are each unique individuals with differences in temperament, personality, experiences, age and abilities yet we are all called to worship the Lord in spirit and in truth and to do so in unity of purpose.

For human beings to be in unity for any length of time is not a natural phenomenon.  It does not happen often and when it does, it doesn’t tend to last very long.  Those very traits that make us unique can work against us when it comes to getting along with others.  And then there is the bigger problem of sin and the way we express our fallen nature through selfishness and insistence on our own way to the detriment of others.

How then, can selfish people who have so many differences come together to form a healthy, growing, effective local body of believers (church)?  Quite simply, it requires the laying aside of personal preference and personal ambition in favor of seeking to worship God and then out of that, loving and serving one another.  When each of us has the goal of entering into the presence of God in corporate worship and is willing to lay aside our own will and our own desires then God can perform the miraculous task of causing the many different parts of the body of Christ to work as one complete unit.  And the word “unit”, if you didn’t already see it, is only one letter short of the word “unity”.  When the unit is working together towards the same goal then unity occurs!

Unity is difficult to achieve because selfishness can be sneaky.  To be human is to prefer some things over other things and it is certainly ok to have those preferences.  I may prefer traditional hymns but my friend may prefer contemporary music.  I might prefer the thermostat to be set on 68 while he might prefer 72.  But when we insist upon our own preferences in a corporate worship setting (either verbally or just in our hearts and minds as a silent complaint) instead of laying them down and setting them aside for the goal of true worship then we have allowed selfishness to get in the way of unity.  It takes a conscious decision to not insist upon our own wills and instead tell the Lord that only His will truly matters.

It takes the power of the Holy Spirit and practice and preparation to get to the point of being able to lay ourselves aside.  It most certainly does not happen naturally but it absolutely must happen for a church to function for the glory of God.  To mature as a believer and to grow as a Christian we must practice and perfect the ability let go of what we think and feel in our own hearts and minds in favor of what God thinks.  When you have a group of people who are willing to do that and come together for the purpose of growing God’s kingdom then you will find a church who is doing great things for the glory of God.

He must increase, but I must decrease. (John 3:30) NASB

A Gift Not A Given

thankfulness, grace, GodI met a remarkable fellow this week.  In my job doing internet sales I come into contact with people from all over the world.  Mostly these are fleeting encounters that only take as long as a single phone call and are quickly forgotten.  This one man, however, I hope I will not soon forget.

I am confident that this meeting was ordained and orchestrated by God.  The reasons for the sale, both our product and his need aligned so perfectly that he flew half the length of the country to come and meet us face to face.  In addition there was a circumstance that required his presence in our state that was completely separate from the sale.  That this circumstance and his need for our product could have occurred at the same could only be considered providential.

As we were wrapping up and he was preparing to leave he shared with me a little bit about his other reason for visiting our state.  A younger relative of his who no longer had any parents or guardians around had gotten in to some trouble with the law and was incarcerated on some serious charges.  As a retired pastor and minister of the Lord he felt it was his responsibility to go and visit this relative and pray with them and give them whatever comfort and wisdom he could.

This man was now in charge of a large non-profit ministry that fed and assisted the homeless in several communities across the northern part of the country.  Based on his own past experience and the trouble that his relative was now in he made this statement:  “If you can work and provide for your family and put food on the table and keep a roof over your heard then that is a gift, not a given.  We are all equal in God’s sight but we do not all have equal abilities and are not all equally capable.  Some people just need more help than others.”  Although it went unspoken I could see in this man that he felt that he had been called to help the helpless and I thanked God for his witness.

Later in the day I thought about my job and my home and all that God has provided me and I realized that I tend to take it for granted.  I don’t thank God enough for giving me the ability to work and a place to work.  As I look back on my forty years I realize that I have worked for over half of it and I have never had difficulty finding a job when I needed one.  God has always been there, looking out for me and making a way for me.  He has provided for my family and even in lean times we have always had enough.

When you really get down to it, God does not owe me or anyone else anything at all.  We’ve all sinned and fallen short of God’s glory and God would be well within his rights to turn His back on us and leave us to our own devices.  Yet His love and grace is persistent and His mercy is new every morning and He delights in giving His children good gifts.  Woe to me if I begin to think that I am owed God’s provision or that I deserve what He so generously offers.

My prayer is that God would open the eyes of His children to see all that He has done for us and that we would not take any of it for granted.  I pray that He would keep us humble and help us to acknowledge Him in everything that we do.  God’s grace is given with every breath that we take.  Let us always remember that this is a gift, not a given.

The First Step Towards God Meeting Your Needs

provision, Matthew 6:33I would like to focus on a thought the Holy Spirit shared with me this week and examine it in closer detail.  God is so good and faithful to His children and as I was praying for wisdom and direction for this week’s blog entry, this is what was impressed upon me:  In order for God to fully provide for us, we must fully provide ourselves to Him.

Immediately following this thought I recalled a verse of scripture, Matthew 6:33, which says:

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to (provided for) you. (NASB)

By the fact that this scripture immediately followed the thought I knew that it was from God and that I needed to share it.

On a basic level, all of us enjoy the blessings of life, whether we know God and acknowledge Him or not.  But according to our thought for today and the scripture verse that goes along with it, certain things will only be provided once we have begun to seek Him first, over and above all else.  Does that mean that God will withhold certain things from His children when they do not seek Him and do not put him first?  Yes, I believe that is exactly what it means and once again we can go to scripture to look for examples.

“But I gave you also cleanness of teeth in all your cities
And lack of bread in all your places,
Yet you have not returned to Me,” declares the Lord.
 “Furthermore, I withheld the rain from you
While there were still three months until harvest.
Then I would send rain on one city
And on another city I would not send rain;
One part would be rained on,
While the part not rained on would dry up.  (Amos 4:6-7) NASB

Notice, God withheld rain and there was a lack of food because His people were in rebellion and would not turn back to Him.  Rain is necessary for water to drink for all living things and without it food becomes scarce.  Rain and the water it brings can be thought of as the most basic and critical necessity for life and God alone is responsible for its abundance or lack thereof.

Our verse in Amos was in the past but what about in the future?  Does the Bible have anything to say that would indicate God could use this type of withholding again?  Yes, it does, in fact.

 Then it will come about that any who are left of all the nations that went against Jerusalem will go up from year to year to worship the King, the Lord of hosts, and to celebrate the Feast of Booths.  And it will be that whichever of the families of the earth does not go up to Jerusalem to worship the King, the Lord of hosts, there will be no rain on them. (Zechariah 14:16-17)

Zechariah chapter 14 is prophecy.  It speaks about a day that has not yet come to pass and verses 16 and 17 are thought to take place after the 2nd coming of Jesus.  So if God withheld provision in the form of rain and water from His people in the past and will do so in the future then it does not take any stretch of the imagination to believe that He is doing so now.  And if He will do it for an entire nation or body of people then He will certainly do it for us as individuals.  To turn around the thought we started with, if we are withholding ourselves from God and seeking after other things then we can expect God to begin withholding certain things from us and before too much time has passed we will begin to find ourselves in need.

As children of God, we should know that He is generous and desires to give abundantly.  It is never His desire to withhold from us and to see us in lack or in need.  We have a responsibility to stay in the place where God can bless us and He can only do so when we are actively seeking Him.  To find healing and renewal for ourselves, for our families and for our country we must turn our eyes and hearts towards Jesus our savior and cry out to Him.  Only He can provide what we so desperately need.

If You Start Badly, Can You Still Finish Well?

confession, forgiveness, Psalm 40:2Does this statement sound familiar?  “I am my own worst enemy”.  Or how about this variation: “My biggest problem is me”.  Does this describe where you are?  Can you relate to feeling as if for every right thing that you do you also do two or three things wrong?  I admit, some days I am right there with you.

In fact, it’s been one of those mornings already.  As I write this I’ve already been beating myself up mentally over some things from yesterday that I wish I had done differently.  Mistakes were made and the worst part is, right in the middle of it all, I knew I was making the wrong choice and I didn’t do anything to stop it!

That’s a bad, bad feeling and it leaves me both angry and sad.  If I chose to dwell on it and wallow in it then it would be extremely destructive and the mistakes of yesterday would lead to even more mistakes today.  Choosing to stay in a place of self-pity would mean that I miss God’s blessing for today and miss out on being a blessing to someone else.  I recognize that and I don’t want it to happen.

Here’s the good part:  No sin or mistake of mine is ever big enough or bad enough to overcome God’s grace and forgiveness for me.  Praise God for that truth!  I messed up.  No question about that.  It was yesterday’s sin and I choose, by the power of Christ in me, to leave yesterday’s sin behind and move forward to whatever God has for me on this day.

This is the day that the Lord has made;
    let us rejoice and be glad in it.  Psalm 118:24 (ESV)

One of the first things I did this morning, even as I was feeling very low, was to give thanks and praise to God above.  Even when I’m feeling very bad, He is always very good.  At the same time, I confessed my sin and spoke to God very frankly and earnestly about it.  I acknowledged that there are parts of me that wants to do what God hates.  As hard as I try and as much as I want to be perfect, I’m not there yet and I still sometimes make choices that are wrong.  As frustrating as it is, I let my sin nature get the best of me and I have to be honest with God and admit that the only cure for me is more Jesus and less “me”.

This is my blessed hope.  That Jesus isn’t going to leave me as I am right now.  He’s still working on me, I’m not a finished product yet.  I am ever amazed that he chooses to use such an imperfect person like me to do His work and carry out His plan.  I can only trust in Him to finish what He started when He saved me and called me to be His child.  His love covers all of my sin and sets me free from guilt, if I am willing to let go of myself and trust Him with everything.

He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. Psalm 40:2 (ESV)

How about you?  Does guilt have a place in your heart today?  Does it feel as if your failures are hung around your neck like a weight that is dragging you down?  Do sadness and anger haunt your every step?  If so, then it is time to be free of it.  It is time to turn all of those things over to God who has already paid the full price for all of our sin.  There is no mistake, no error, no horrible act that was not covered by His blood that day at Calvary.  Confess it, commit to Him and let Him heal you of all that is broken and wounded.